Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
