I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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