when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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