there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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