the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Two words: blizzard sex
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
