I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
