drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Is Oprah even human
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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