i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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