Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
