Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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