Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
