He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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