how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
