k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
