I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
