med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
