my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
