Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
