someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
