Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
