i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
