Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
