He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
