is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
