I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
