She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
