I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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