all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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