I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
