so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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