By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
