Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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