oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
