I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
