Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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