You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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