last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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