I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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