I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
