my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
