If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
