First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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