Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
