You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
