I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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