I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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