Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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