I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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