You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
