I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Boobs are out for the taking
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
