I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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