Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
