my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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